[NOTE: I came back to post and decided to unfurl the past.SEEbottomof vv
Today most likely marks the golden anniversary of a "prophetic" fulfillment. A repudiation that signaled and sealed my emotional doom. I am sour I know, bitter and dour. I am only thinking of myself, despite my claiming to love you. Yet that is the paradox: for what is the sunny, golden anniversary of your unbroken relationship with the one who has you given joy unceasing (your joy being my supposedly stated objective in life and only interest) is the dark reality that it is not me: cast forever instead into unending isolation - as foretold. Fifty years ago, that coincidental prophecy came to pass; that run of coincidences with the force of prophecy unfolded.
It was his cousin who this day five decades ago, announced the shocking news. To the utter surprise of everyone, you had rejected every last one of your paramours vying for your hand for a youth straight out left field a kid! several years your junior - the woman hater, the one formerly wanting nothing whatsoever to do with women! His cousin could scarcely believe he went after the one female most prized and won. He the boy and fresh out the gate. He the woman hater.
It still hurts and wildly to this day. It is an albatross I will never loose from my neck until I am brain dead. Your joy is at my sorrow. It can't be helped. It just is. You have done no wrong whatsoever. Again, it just is. I am the collateral damage. There is no sin. There is no escape short of complete memory loss or physical death. Again,..
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| Courtesy of ChatGPT It was the darkest day of my life. The rest is just fallout. |
Should I detail the exact events of that day? Doing so will only get me into a deep funk. I’d only be rubbing salt into the wound, still fresh five decades past . I know what happened, even though you, the reader, don’t. Believe me, the sky came crashing down, and I am still buried alive. The golden day for her was my coffin. The joy she remembers, spelled my being forgotten - forever. Maybe one day, I’ll describe what exactly it was that transpired, but for now I can only speak of the unavoidable pain. The consequence that kills, that dashes, and can’t see you. It is what it is.
-FIN-
Six and a half years earlier, in January of 1970, as I was sweetly wrapping your present for your sixteenth birthday, a family member with a clairvoyant reputation came up to me. No no uncertain term, she proceeded to tell me of the pointlessness of my intent, action, and gift. I would never woo or win you they said, least of all that way. However, changing my approach would be to no avail irregardless, for the person for whom you would fall, would be my total opposite, with respect to my ardor, someone wholly antithetical to all that I was.
Then came the breakdowns of the person in question, a brief list of their attributes ending with most notable: a complete disdain and aversion to all women.
You had scores of suitors and it was none of them. Who then?
Like cold water, I knew at once. That could only be…
And it was.
A child, barely thirteen. Who “hated” women, and just that
very week in the tight physical confines of an automobile crawled over me in order to escape having your younger sister, his cousin best friend, sit next to him.
Like the fantasy film character, Pelias, warned by the goddess Hera to watch out for the man with one sandal (‘Jason, and the Argonauts like out of a Greek tragedy
I am definitely overplaying the facts stretching to near exaggeration. But it is all in an effort to merely hint at the impact and pain
Did the supernatural occur? I think not. Was it pure coincidence? An uncanny series of them to be sure (of which there were many more and I have only enumerated two or three) but definitely coincidence. How do I account for the numerous, phenomenal occurrences? A billion lives have been lived on this planet, so it’s no surprise that occasionally a run of coincidences is going to happen to someone. I just happened to have a such a streak, purely by chance.
My contention however is this. Even, if was all pure accident, it had all the same exact effect as if it had been the supernatural for real!
I did wait. I did watch. Looking out for the very one I was told to replace me, hoping with every atom of my being that it was entirely unfounded. It wasn’t.
Modeled essentially after that very family member - my mom, when she spoke of your sensibilities, she was in reality, plainly reflecting hers. Mom chose again me, you merely followed suit.
But the actual salt in the wound was yet to come
Not only was your chosen to be the very one foretold, More than that he had dream I was told was a fantasy and that I was a fool to believe in chase after and ever hope for myself - you indeed it turns out were his very first love and date.
He was also the top of his class, the first in life in his field. His mom the second tier family in “the family” had every reason to boast. Her second born not only snagged the coveted prize, the pastor’s first born lovely daughter - you, he had made the pinnacle of his class at Berkeley. He was the lawyer the first tier family first born was to have become, but gave up to become a minister, much to his parents’ disappointment it was said. [That same son once also announced that he was promised by God Himself that you would be his! Don’t worry, I also made that claim to myself in desperation years before the first tier son.]
I was never accomplished at anything.
Not that your love is earned. It’s that he had you and everything else to boot on top of that. What am I? That’s right - cut glass. Only my one little love.
I still feel the admonishment of others for harboring the wild hope that I could win you or any other love for that matter right out the bat.
You put the quash on that.
That I also wished to be the best at something, anything, and naturally gifted… Not even in my own field as artist was I anything at all. Instead, mediocrity is my moniker. My once passion thoroughly extinguished. Move over Salieri!
You know what the real joke is on that second point, which oddly, ironically, ties into the firs? I lie.
I am the best at something, I am unmatched. There is no parallel to me. This not a boast. I have never wavered in my disposition towards you. Ever. Not for one second (1,832,659,200 seconds having elapsed at the very moment I am writing this!)*
The joke is, it’s on me, most would say. My one unparalleled trait is to them utterly pointless. Most would not nor can they stay the course. Without reciprocity their feedback would cease.
I continue despite any having return whatsoever. Is it love, limerence, foolishness, stupidity, delusion?
Pointless, pointless, useless they would add. Love cannot be earned. They’re right.
Still, I hold to this undiminished truth. What I know about you, what I experienced, I cannot deny. The fact of you, makes me: me. Naturally. And I find myself capable to continue to give, to continue. Uncannily, it is so. I must respond with favor towards you always. Even though the buffeting I or life’s circumstances bitterly inflict upon my person and plight disposed I remain. Against you, my heart can never be. Yes I decry the loneliness, I decry my invisibility being forever, but I cannot decry you. I will never put you out of my heart.
Without reward
Had you married anyone but. Had he been accomplished but not remarkably so Had you been third or fourth stab at love, the pain of not being able to do for you what did me would have hurt but not as badly or in that unnecessarily particular way.
So for the ramble the mishmash which I will have to sort somehow someway.
The stream, er, torrent of thought.
I'm sorry I am apparently just gushing self pity I just don't how to convey that pain of reality that daily haunts me. I am nothing when I wanna say I wanna say I was not really so.
oh the repetition you charge
I suppose it's my forever wanna to fully state my case to flesh out every nuance for fear of leaving some essential that would fully explain me. I'm there in all that emotional blather, that tangle of earnestness, sorrow, and painting.
I think I really could have provided with something unmatched, something wonderful.
I am not a prison, I am not a poison, I am not a better.
You always spelt my freedom why oh why was I cursed to be nothing more to you than a chain, a suffocating bondage a shadow, a pall.
I was unwanted fairly and honestly unwanted then became became a pest a plague a bane, despite my concerted effort to remove myself.
We're I to vanish altogether from life you first reflex would likely be to feel finally free of me Granted you would have to think hard to even remember me.
I wallow because I am not allowed to speak my worth of you
This is the fate forever tied to me
Boy oh boy to arrange this seemingly self-indulgent ramble! If I speak for myself, I damn myself If I don't, damn myself for certain to an oblivion that us total.
Had you counted me among your paramours Had you kept me, made me your kept man...had you counted me kept
That I could keep.
That I could do for you.
*58 Years, 27 days, 8 hours
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